Where Did You Learn To Drive?

I would like to address many of my fellow travelers on the highways and byways of our fair land. It seems that a few need to review some basic rules of driving.

Turn Signals: First, I regret to note that many of you were the victims of consumer fraud when you purchased your vehicle. It appears many of them are not equipped with that little stick thingie on the left side of the steering column that is supposed to operate little blinking lights on the outside of the vehicle. Those lights are to let other drivers in your vicinity know when you are planning to turn or change lanes (they are called turn signals). I suggest that those of you who were gypped go back to where you purchased your vehicles and complain. Those lights have been mandatory equipment for many years. Driving isn't supposed to be a mind reading game, so if you don't have those lights, please consider learning the ancient hand signals. Extend your left arm out of your open driver's side window. Bend elbow and point to the sky, and signal a right turn; extend arm straight out, no bend in elbow, to signal a left turn; bend elbow and point toward the ground to signal a stop. See, the lights are so much easier.

Traffic signal lights: No one seems to have a problem with the green light, it means GO. Contrary to what many people seem to believe, yellow does not mean "Go like a bat out of Hell." It's a warning light that the red light is about to come on, and that you should think about slowing down and stopping. Now, the red light. It appears that somehow people have gotten the impression that while it means STOP, it's optional to stop during the first few seconds it is illuminated. Those instructions have never been part of any official driving rules. So, to review: Green = GO; Yellow means caution, the red light is coming and you should consider stopping unless you are already in the intersection or about to enter it; Red really does mean STOP.

Stop Signs: Another widely held misconception is that a stop sign really means “slow down, and then punch the gas pedal if you think you can make it.” Sorry, not in the official rules. Stop means stop. How do you know when you have “stopped?” Aeons ago, my high school drivers’ education teacher told us that you have come to a complete stop when the nose of your vehicle comes up. Check it out. It really does, when you really stop.

Merge Signs: Some people have problems with the MERGE signs. They generally do not mean stop at the end of the merge lane and sit there praying for traffic to go away. The idea is to try and enter traffic at the same speed it is traveling and MERGE into an opening between cars. Those of you who are on the highway with traffic merging in, it isn't a game to see if you can speed up and make sure the guy trying to get onto the roadway doesn't get in front of you. Leave some space and let them over!

Continuous Lane Signs: Close relative of the merge sign is the funny continuous lane sign when you are making a right-hand turn/merge onto a different street. It, too, does not mean pull up and stop.

Tailgating: While I'm thinking about it, you don't really need to ride on someone else's bumper. You won’t get there any faster that way. Leave some room between your vehicle and the vehicle in front of you. You may have the best brakes in the world, but if you are traveling at 60+ MPH with 12 inches between you and the vehicle up front, and traffic comes to an abrupt stop, physics will win. You will slam into that vehicle, mess up your vehicle and theirs, and your insurance rates will go up. Again. If you have one of those air bags, you will also end up with a pretty red face, lots of bruises and probably a bad headache. Who needs it?

Speed limits: Yes, those annoying signs. Check your dictionary, it doesn't mean "suggested minimum speed," it means that is the maximum safe speed for that roadway, the normal traffic on that roadway and the surrounding community.

Weaving During Rush Hour: Despite what you may have heard, rush hour traffic is not the best time to be practicing your skill at weaving in and out of traffic. Well, there really is no good time to practice that particular skill. I know this will be a disappointment, but it’s illegal. Those pesky rules/laws say you are supposed to signal (I know, it’s hard if you are one of the signal-less people of the world) and let other drivers know what you are doing. Ever notice that when you are doing the weaving and bobbing, you get to the next stop-light and find one of the cars you narrowly missed pulls up right behind you? So, you gained what, exactly, by your escapades, except perhaps an adrenaline rush?

Turns: It's generally a good idea to make sure you are in the appropriate lane before you make a turn. For example, if you are in the left-hand lane, move to the right-hand lane before making a right-turn. (Don't forget, if you don't have those lights, use those hand signals!) Same with left-turns. Turning across a lane of traffic (making a right-turn from the left hand lane) can be a little hazardous to your health. And the health of those around you. Missed the turn because you were in the wrong lane? Don't stop and try to back up. Go FORWARD until you can find a safe place to turn around. (More wisdom from the old drivers’ ed teacher.)

That brings up missing an exit on a limited access highway. I regret to inform you that backing up on an Interstate is illegal and dangerous. Missed the exit? Same idea: go forward until you reach the next exit where you can turn around. Takes too much of your time? Being dead or in the hospital would be more of an inconvenience.

Blind Curves: Ever seen one of those spots where you cannot see the traffic in front of you because you are going around a curve and your view is obstructed? I do it every day on my way home from the office. Yes, I am going to slow down when I go around the curve on the entrance ramp to the highway. Why? Because I can’t see if the traffic is stopped around the corner, and I want to be able to avoid hitting a vehicle that could be stopped just out of sight around that curve. So, if you are riding my bumper, get over it. I’m not going to speed up.

Four-Wheel Drive and SUV Drivers: I regret to inform you that you are not invincible. ALL vehicles are four-wheel STOP and your four-wheel DRIVE capability isn't going to benefit you when you foolishly drive way too fast for driving and stopping conditions.

I’m sure I’ve missed some major pet peeves, but you get the picture!