What I Learned From My Mom

I know, this was originally published in October 2009, and I still mean every word...
Dedicated to my former college room mate and her partner. Love you guys!

A quote from an old Joni Mitchell song, but it’s appropriate.

"Don't it always seem to go
 That you don't know what you've got
 'Til it's gone"

I’ve been thinking lately about how extraordinary my mother was, and I really didn’t appreciate her at the time. This particular epistle has to do with what I now see as Mom’s extraordinary character.

I don’t know why it’s an issue for me right now. Well, yes, I do. An old college room mate acknowledged she “likes girls” a few years back. She was one of those fundamentalist variety of Christians, and it was very difficult for her.  She had gotten a divorce and was in a relationship with her girlfriend. She called to “break the news.” I think she expected me to react badly, to not consider her to be a friend any more. Never occurred to me that it should affect my friendship with her, and it didn’t occur to me what kind of negative reactions she had encountered from her family and friends. She is the same person. What’s the big deal? (An aside, she and her partner have been together 17 years now. My marriage didn’t make 12 months. I envy them!)

See, when I was a kid, “the girls” lived next door. That’s how everyone referred to them. Ruth and Marg. Mom was friends with them, she helped them out when Ruth was sick. She let me go visit them all the time. I loved visiting them and their little Chihuahua, Tippy. I knew they lived together, that they shared the same bed. No big deal. I never questioned that they were a couple, and it never seemed to be strange or odd. They were good people who were kind to each other, and other people. And they put up with the obnoxious child that I was!

Somewhere along the way, I learned that other people disapproved of “that type” of relationship. Didn’t understand it, and being fairly oblivious, never occurred to me the type of prejudice “the girls” faced. Thank God, in our neighborhood, they were just regular people, they were our friends.

Was never really an issue in my life. I know some people are heterosexual and some are homosexual. Just don’t think about it, to be honest. Then my old college room mate calls and tells me her news and shares that her family did not take it well. That surprised me. I know, what rock had I been hiding under. Her family is very conservative religious. We had some very spirited conversations in college about religion, as I said, she was very conservative, and, as we all should know, I’m not. (Take a deep breath, I believe in God, I’d probably describe myself as Christian, but conservative, not so much.) How could her family turn on her when she tried to explain how miserable her life had been, and how she was finally finding happiness, found someone she loved? Isn’t that what parents want for their kids, for them to be happy and loved? Hell, isn’t that what we all want? Someone to love and to be loved?

It completely bumfuzzels me that anyone would think someone else's love would be a negative or bad thing. There is so much hate, so much pain in the world. Two people loving each other should be celebrated.

Good Lord, life isn’t exactly easy as it is. I’ve done the divorce thing, and can’t say that I’ll ever do the married thing again. Isn’t having someone to love something that everyone wants in their lives? Isn’t it something you want for your kids? If they are happy, if their partners are good, supportive, loving people, does their gender really matter?

Back to the original thought. Mom was a very religious woman. She was very active in church, with world-wide causes, with local causes. She taught me, by her demeanor, her attitude, and her friendship with “the girls” what it means to accept other people. Mom, thanks for being who you were. Thanks for teaching me that people are to be accepted for who they are. For teaching me that “the girls” were friends, not “freaks.” For being a shining example of what it should mean to be a Christian.

I hope that some day my former college room mate and her partner will have the right to be married.