What I Learned From My Mom

I know, this was originally published in October 2009, and I still mean every word...
Dedicated to my former college room mate and her partner. Love you guys!

A quote from an old Joni Mitchell song, but it’s appropriate.

"Don't it always seem to go
 That you don't know what you've got
 'Til it's gone"

I’ve been thinking lately about how extraordinary my mother was, and I really didn’t appreciate her at the time. This particular epistle has to do with what I now see as Mom’s extraordinary character.

I don’t know why it’s an issue for me right now. Well, yes, I do. An old college room mate acknowledged she “likes girls” a few years back. She was one of those fundamentalist variety of Christians, and it was very difficult for her.  She had gotten a divorce and was in a relationship with her girlfriend. She called to “break the news.” I think she expected me to react badly, to not consider her to be a friend any more. Never occurred to me that it should affect my friendship with her, and it didn’t occur to me what kind of negative reactions she had encountered from her family and friends. She is the same person. What’s the big deal? (An aside, she and her partner have been together 17 years now. My marriage didn’t make 12 months. I envy them!)

See, when I was a kid, “the girls” lived next door. That’s how everyone referred to them. Ruth and Marg. Mom was friends with them, she helped them out when Ruth was sick. She let me go visit them all the time. I loved visiting them and their little Chihuahua, Tippy. I knew they lived together, that they shared the same bed. No big deal. I never questioned that they were a couple, and it never seemed to be strange or odd. They were good people who were kind to each other, and other people. And they put up with the obnoxious child that I was!

Somewhere along the way, I learned that other people disapproved of “that type” of relationship. Didn’t understand it, and being fairly oblivious, never occurred to me the type of prejudice “the girls” faced. Thank God, in our neighborhood, they were just regular people, they were our friends.

Was never really an issue in my life. I know some people are heterosexual and some are homosexual. Just don’t think about it, to be honest. Then my old college room mate calls and tells me her news and shares that her family did not take it well. That surprised me. I know, what rock had I been hiding under. Her family is very conservative religious. We had some very spirited conversations in college about religion, as I said, she was very conservative, and, as we all should know, I’m not. (Take a deep breath, I believe in God, I’d probably describe myself as Christian, but conservative, not so much.) How could her family turn on her when she tried to explain how miserable her life had been, and how she was finally finding happiness, found someone she loved? Isn’t that what parents want for their kids, for them to be happy and loved? Hell, isn’t that what we all want? Someone to love and to be loved?

It completely bumfuzzels me that anyone would think someone else's love would be a negative or bad thing. There is so much hate, so much pain in the world. Two people loving each other should be celebrated.

Good Lord, life isn’t exactly easy as it is. I’ve done the divorce thing, and can’t say that I’ll ever do the married thing again. Isn’t having someone to love something that everyone wants in their lives? Isn’t it something you want for your kids? If they are happy, if their partners are good, supportive, loving people, does their gender really matter?

Back to the original thought. Mom was a very religious woman. She was very active in church, with world-wide causes, with local causes. She taught me, by her demeanor, her attitude, and her friendship with “the girls” what it means to accept other people. Mom, thanks for being who you were. Thanks for teaching me that people are to be accepted for who they are. For teaching me that “the girls” were friends, not “freaks.” For being a shining example of what it should mean to be a Christian.

I hope that some day my former college room mate and her partner will have the right to be married.

Justice?

Rumor has it some of my former coworkers are “disappointed” that Kurt and I started our business. I hope that isn’t true. After working in the criminal justice system in one capacity or another for nearly 34 years, I’ve thought long and hard about the concept of “justice.” I’ve seen the entire system fluctuate from wanting to emphasize pure punishment and retribution to treatment with the emphasis on helping those who commit crimes to make positive changes in their lives to hopefully allow them to avoid committing crimes in the future.  What both extremes seem to forget is that “justice” is supposed to be a balance. The definition of justice includes words like “impartial” and “fair.” Those qualities, being impartial and fair, are supposed to be the foundation of our criminal justice system. It is an adversarial system, with the judge determining what is truly fair, impartial and “just.”

Our system has morphed into a system of plea agreements between the prosecutor and the defendant, with occasional trials. I understand that this is necessary because available resources would not allow every case to be decided at trial, but it gives the prosecution much power in determining what charges will be brought and to what charges the defendant will be given the opportunity to enter a plea of guilty. It remains the duty and responsibility of the court, the judge, to determine the “just” sentence.

As a probation officer, I worked for the court, for the judge. I didn’t work for the prosecution, I didn’t work for the defense, I worked for the person who determines the “impartial,” “fair,” and “just” disposition in each case. At times it was difficult. I have my own opinions of right and wrong and I have my own personal prejudices related to specific offenses. I did my level best to make sure my personal feelings, my personal prejudices, were never present in my reports. I would hope that anyone reading my reports would not be able to identify my personal feelings about any specific defendant or offense.

But ours is an adversarial system. The government, the “law” has an advocate and the accused, the defendant, has an advocate. If I believe in our system of justice, and I do, I have to believe that every defendant deserves to have their side adequately presented to the court during this process. The prosecution has case agents and other law enforcement officers to assist them in gathering information. Why should the defense not have individuals, investigators, to assist in gathering information?

One of the things that bothered me most when I was preparing presentence investigation reports was when I had to tell the parties that their application of the sentencing guidelines was incorrect. While the application of the guidelines is an important part of the plea negotiations, attorneys, both the defense and the prosecution, have many other issues to consider in the process. If assistance can be provided in complicated guideline applications to expedite the process, would that not be a benefit to the entire process?

As probation officers, we spend 20+ years of our lives becoming “experts” in very specialized areas. After we retire, is that experience and expertise no longer relevant or worthwhile? At a maximum age of 57, a retired probation officer is no longer of any use or benefit to the system? Our brains do not automatically switch off when we retire. That information, that knowledge, does not drain right out of our ears when we retire. I would hope that my former coworkers would not see my role as an investigator for the defense as putting me (or Kurt) in a position of direct opposition to their positions as probation officers. If we are able to help avoid the parties making errors in guideline calculations that cause issues at sentencing, if we are able to provide useful information for them in preparing their presentence investigation reports, does that not assist them, as well as the entire process?

Perhaps I am wearing rose colored glasses, but I see many benefits for the entire system in Kurt and I being able to work with defense attorneys. I hope my former coworkers will also see these benefits.